The Opposite

If you're a Seinfeld fan, then you know that it is safe to say that any situation in life can be paralleled back to one of the hundreds of episodes. In my personal life I often find that when things have gone to poo, and I'm swirling the drain of life, or I am about to maybe do, or say something that shouldn't be said, going back to season 5, episode 22 is a life saver. Its when  George decides that every decision that he has ever made has been wrong, and that his life is the exact opposite of what it should be (like mine). Then, at the restaurant, he tells Jerry this, who convinces him that “if every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right”. George then resolves to start doing the complete opposite of what he would do normally. He suddenly begins to experience good luck, getting a girlfriend, moving out of his parents' house, and even landing a job with the New York Yankees. The Exact Opposite.

Well, today was the day. I was eating my lunch with some friends when this lady showed up.

She kindly asked me for a nickel or dime. Now, call me crazy, but shouldn't you start high, and work your way down? If I was a bum, I think I'd ask for 5 bucks, and then settle for a dollar, but not this hag. Whiskers hung from her chin like little hairs on a fly, and she smelled like a Porto potty with a skunk inside. When I told her that it looked like her cart was so full that it didn't seem possible to fit a nickle, nor a dime she got upset. She said, "Well then I hope you choke on your food." 

I am an a-hole, this you must understand. Had it not occurred to me to use my "opposite" theory here, this poor lady might have gotten her cart pushed over, spit on, cursed at, and told to shave her chin...but not today. Today was "opposite" day. Although deep down in my heart I wanted to go postal on her, instead I told her that i hoped she would have a nice day, that I loved her, and that if she needed a place to stay, my home was available to her. She payed me no mind, and made her way mumbling down the block. I tried.

I don't believe in Santa Claus, Jesus, L Ron Hubbard, or monogamy. What I do believe in is Karma, and when i got home today, after that wonderful exchange with the fly hair lady, the new issue of Bicycling Magazine was in my mailbox.  I Heart Karma.