Thursday, February 26, 2009

F u C K M E

To the woman who crapped in my car.....

To the woman who crapped in my car. - 25 (Las Vegas, NV)

Reply to: [?]
Date: 2009-02-17, 6:31PM PST

To the woman that crapped in my car. 

We met on Craigslist so I am hoping that this post finds you. I know that it could quite possibly be the most humiliating first date that you have ever been on, but I am willing to look past that. 

I thought we had chemistry sitting at McFadden's sharing that basket of jalapeno poppers while drinking Guiness. I really felt like there was a connection there. I found you to be intelligent and witty and looked forward to further conversation with you. 

At some point in life, everyone has gambled on a fart and lost. It just happened to be on a first date in the passenger seat of my car. Please don't feel bad. The package I sent you with Pepto the next day and the note that said "First dates are always a crap shoot. Call me" was meant to be funny, not offensive. 

I have gambled on a fart and lost on multiple occasions. The first time I did it was very memorable. It happened when I was five and sitting on my uncle's lap. I am lactose intolerant, but love cheese. I probably win 95% of the time, but I don't think anyone wins 100% of the time. That's why they call it "gambling". I'm the last person to judge you for crapping your pants. In fact, I am impressed by your boldness. The timing on the other hand, could have been a tad bit when you're not sitting on a heated leather seat... 

What I am trying to say is that if you want to go out again, I would be more than happy to take you someplace where we can get a meal that is high in fiber and less taxing on the digestive tract. 

I await your call, 

P.S. - If you shat yourself on purpose to end the evening early.Touché.

  • Location: Las Vegas, NV
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 1039266988

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Inventive Prayer

Dear Jesus,

Can you please have someone invent a dryer that turns my socks right side out, and then pair them up in little balls like my mom used to? 


Thursday, February 12, 2009

Brooklyn where you at?

Road Day

Here's a breakdown of my day.

4:00am-wake up

4:30am- leave house for Mammoth

5:30am- pick up Jeremy in Palmdale

8:30am-pulled over by CHP

8:31am- receive ticket for
1. Tinted windows
2. No license plates
3. Speeding

10:00am- arrive at Mammoth Mtn.

12:00pm- leave Mammoth Mtn.

3:00pm- stop at Subway for a foot long...... and a sandwich

5:30pm- drop off Jeremy in Palmdale

6:00pm- see motorcycle accident, and a dead guy on the fwy (no joke)

6:30pm- arrive at home.

Total time in car-11 hours
Miles driven-645
Gas cost- $43
Ticket cost-$754
Moz farted in backseat-69

Monday, February 9, 2009

im on fire today.

RIP Tommy

Here in LA, we have a local 9 hole golf course that all the homies play at. Its up in the hills by the Griffith Park Observatory about 10 minutes from Hollywood. Not only is it a golf course for us, but its also a hang out for many others. At any time you can roll up to see the locals playing poker, playing skins, or shooting 100 ft puts for dollar bills. One of these staples was Tommy. He always said hello, and was one of those guys that would often remember the strangest things,  and constantly ask you about them whenever he saw you.  For instance, I once took a girl golfing there about 7 years ago, and still to this day asks me how my "little lady's" doin'. Not only that, but he used to go through all the bushes on the course and sell our $8 balls back to us for a fraction of the price (until the city made him stop). Tommy was "The Man" to say the least. Unfortunately last Thursday Tommy had a heart attack at his home in Los Feliz, the guys at the course say if it wasn't for the rain, he would have been at the course, and maybe had someone to help him back to life. Funny how things work out.
The good news is that he is upstairs playing poker, playing skins, or shooting 100ft puts with the best of em'...Walter Hagan, Ben Hogan, and Byron Nelson...... R.I.P. Tommy.


Animated Cop Pot Brownies 911 Call

Friday, February 6, 2009


We all know that Sweet Butter loves Morrissey. Obsessed might even be the word. We have followed him, named animals after him, and traveled to foreign country's with the sole purpose of seeing him. So last night, he was in town for the Jimmy Kimmel show. This town is awesome, and gay at the same time. If you know dudes, that know dudes....then your siked. The problem is that if you don't know no dudes, your gonna be stuck with the bridge and tunnel crew everywhere you go. Luckily for me, I know Tormentous who just happens to be the hook of all hooks. Amazing what a little juice and some free product will take some people.  For took us to the "green room" of the Jimmy Kimmel show which has couches, heat, free booze, pool tables, video games, and famous people.  That may not mean much to the average joe, but if you were one of the 897 people waiting outside, on Hollywood Blvd, in the rain, then you would understand. Why 897 people you ask? I'll tell you. Normally when Kimmel has a band on, they play in the parking lot behind the show, this way anyone who wants to watch can just come shoe up, and its like an actual concert. Unfortunately for them, and fortunate for me, it has been raining the last few days so they had to bring the show in doors. You know what that means? That means only 75 people can watch Moz..... The most intimate show ever.

Set List:
Something is Squeezing My Soul-new album
Black Cloud-new album
Mama Lay Softly On The riverbed-new album
This Charming Man (Holy shit!@!!!!!!!!)
and Best Friend on The Payroll- Southpaw Grammar

Here's the vid......front row beanie guy (that's me)

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Moz on Kimmel tonight.

We all have tivo, or a dvr, or some sort of recording device for your 578 channels. Tonight, feb 5th....Steven Patrick Morrissey will be on the Jimmy Kimmel show. Please tune in. If you can't tune in....then drive on down and join us!!!!!!! The address is 6834 Hollywood Blvd.  You enter off the street behind Hollywood Blvd. Or you can just look for us on the tv. WOOOHOOOO!!!!!!!

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Monday, February 2, 2009

Flamming Hot Funyuns

There are two types of people in this world. Those who are down for Les Stroud aka Survivor Man, and those who are down for Bear Grylis aka Man vs Wild. We are, and always have been down for Les from day one. Yes, we've heard all the naysayers claiming Les doesn't sleep in camels, drink his own piss, eat raw zebra leg, or make toboggan's out of two matches and a rubber band. To that we say this: Les don't have a camera crew. Les is all alone. Les doesn't have 10 people helping carve up camels, Les doesn't have a first aid kit. If something goes wrong, Les is screwed. This "Bear" (whose real name is Edward)  has a  safety team for gods sake.  Les SLEEPS out in the wild, Edward sets up (fake) camp then retreats to a tent with his cast mates. 
Here is the problem; Survivor man has been cancelled, and Edward vs. Wild has been picked up gain by discovery. What can we do about this you might be asking yourself? We'll tell ya..... Write a letter to the network. It sounds like a really retarded idea, but it just might work. Yes you can. One time I wrote a letter and it worked. Listen to this story......
I was in 10th grade English class and our assignment was to write a letter to a corporation with an idea or a complaint to see if they would respond. So I thought that i would write a letter to Frito Lay requesting them to mix my two favorite chips, into one. I loved one likes Fuyuns for some reason, but I friggin love em. Don't eat them too much anymore cuz they arnt really that good for you, but dammit, in high school, they were my bomb. Along with the Funyun, I was also a huge fan of the Flamming Hot Cheeto.   I thought if they could some how combine these two items, we would have ourselves truly incredible, magically delicious, scrumdittlyumtious, amazing bag of crispy flamming hot funyuns!!!!!!  So I wrote the letter, and just like everyone else in the class who wrote to large company' one replied.
Fast forward 13 years later. I'm in a 7-11 in Montrose (  remember it like it was yesterday) reaching for a bag a of salty peanuts my eyes caught glimpse of my creation.  Flamming Hot Funyuns!!!!!!  It worked. That was MY idea!!!  They took that, I mean...STOLE that from me. My name wasn't even on the bag?? WTF. Whatever, we all know it was my idea, and if they don't want to admit it, then they're the ones who have to sleep with themselves every night knowing some 15 year old invented the Flamming Hot Funyun.

Anyways...the moral of the story is that Bear Grylis is a fake.