Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Sunday Muddy Sunday

2010 CX season has officially come to a close and when I tell you that we went out with a bang...I assure you....we went out with a bang. As you know, life is a series of lessons learned and although I made it through most of the season only learning small lessons....this last Sunday was a day of real proper lessons. Let me share.

1. when racing in the mud, or dirt, or any surface for that  matter, dont...I repeat DONT remove your brakes before the race starts. Im an idiot. So when I hear a few people in the parking lot say stuff like,"there was so much mud on my bike and in my brakes that I virtually didnt need them."  the word "virtually" can some times be mistaken for "literally". Just want to take a side note here and say that I ate a little pain killer candy about 20 minutes ago and I feel delicious right now. totally forgot what I was talking about. oh well. Dont take the brakes off your bikes.

2. dont run into trees.  this might tie into #1, but im high right now so let me melt to myself.

3. judges are important people with power. When  you power slide into a puddle and get them dirty, they are most likely gonna be pissed. but im high so I dont care.

4. If you do break your hand. Ask for these, and thank me after you're done itching.

Here are some more photos from the day. Good times. Good drugs.

Monday, November 29, 2010

Im Black Bitch.

"Guess who's back in the motherf*cking house..with a fat d*ck for your motherf*cking mouth"-Snoop Dog.

Things to point out about this photo:
1. posting photos of yourself on your own blog is gay.
2. yes, there was more than 2 people in my race.
3. yes, I AM gay.
4. yes, its seems as though the chap next to me is also gay.
5. this photo could have been taken in my backyard but I assure you it was not.
6.yes, I AM gay.
7. that white jersey I am wearing is the State Championship jersey.
8. yes, white jerseys are gay.
9. even losers win sometimes.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

My back AND my neck...

That's actually a lie...its just my back. No neck involved. Either way I'm fairly screwed at this point and the only thing that is remotely redeeming is the fact that I'm all hopped up on drugs that were legally given to me. Yeah....there's a first time for everything right? I mean....when I'm not on all these pain meds its the worst pain Ive ever felt in my life. Mind you Ive broken almost every bone in my body, including 3 broken hearts and a punctured lung. None of them hurt as bad as this.
     Not really sure what happened really. One minute I was warming up for a race, and the next I could barely move. It was horrible. Not only could I not walk.....but I had just payed about $80 to race both Saturday and Sunday!! What the hell was I gonna do?? So like any red blooded American that hates to give up, and/or lose..I strolled over to the medical tent..ate some Ibuprofen...and completed my race in absolute pain. Came back the next day.....and did it again. My back was broken..but my will to beat anyone wearing a Lagrange jersey was not. Victory was mine. Fuck them.
      Went to the doctor Monday morning. Come to find out I'm an idiot and should have not raced on Saturday OR Sunday.  Its kinda tech, but I wore down the cartilage in between my facet joints on my spine. So instead of there being proper lube that lets the joints in my spine go back and forth without rubbing on each other, mine are going raw dog and I'm doing the ol' bone to bone spinal jam. No bueno.

      verdict: 10 days off the bike..tons of vicodin and norco's, booze, and unprotected sex and i should be back to %100 by Christmas.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Dear Peggy

Thanks for the letter, but next time just dont park that close to me. Also, that dent in your brand new Mercedes bumper was not...i repeat....was NOT from my bike rack jamming into you 4-8 times while trying to pull out of the precarious position you put my car in.

Monday, October 18, 2010


Sequence of events for Oct 16, 2010.

- drive to valley
-register for cyclocross race
- warm up
-mad dog my opponents in horrifically offensive green and navy kits
-start race
-move to front
-snap chain
-smash pelvic bone on stem
-flip over front of bike
-break handlebars
-throw bike
-apologize to friends for wasting a drive out, and a nice day on my stupid race
-drive home
-google how to make a noose

See you faggots next weekend.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

New Tattoo

Why waste what is the perfect canvas complimented by the perfect
butthole/belly button? No reason really.

Monday, October 4, 2010

Funday afternoon.

Picked up this gem of a bike on Friday afternoon from my friendly neighborhood rip you off even though you hang out here, send all your friends here, and are friends with us bike shop. Its my new cyclecross bike, not even sure if that's how i spell it? Basically a road bike with BMX tires and smaller gears. Took it out on Saturday for the first time and had a yabba dabba doo time. I was 12 again. Bunny hopping, sliding through dirt, jumping, and running over shit you could NEVER run over or even near on a road bike. This thing is my new favorite thing in the garage. Sunday was a cyclecross race....so I figured what could possibly go wrong..I'll sign up for a few races and see what happens. The fun continued...grass course with tight turns, stairs to run up, barriers to jump over, and a lil tiny patch of mud to ride through. Good good fun. When it was all said and done, I was filthy, tired, sore, and happy. This could be a busy "off season" for me. I mean......the first race I won a beer....a BEER? These are my type of peeps. On top of that, the second race I won....they gave me a BIGGER beer.  The only down side of this weekend was the drunk drive home. (that's a joke mom).

this is my new ride courtesy of BD and  the good people at Giant.                                     photo:Caffrey

Thursday, September 30, 2010


Welcome to Jerse.....I mean Vegas.
Best dude ever.
I heard Jens was at the Sram booth so I ran over and stood in a long line that seemed to never end. I finally got up to him, told him, "Hey, you're the best dude ever!", to which he replied, " that good right?"...Yeah dude....real good. I then asked the gentleman who was in front of me to take a photo of me with best dude ever....as you can see, he fuckin blew it and made my shit blurry.
So I went to the end of the line and started over...this time it worked.

"The Cannibal"...like most people that sit next to me....is miserable.

so sick
Cocaine with white metal flake.
Second best dude ever.
I saw a lot of wheels at the show.... these new Mavic are far and away the best shits in the building. I want, I want, I want. 
Gotta love them sprinters. Manx missiles bike is a big bag of whatever...but fuckers fast.
roll your pant up, grab a u-lock, strap a carabeaner to you belt loop, tattoo your calf....and lets ride 6 miles to Orange 20 and be dicks to everyone on the way.
ashy to classy

worst kit in the building goes to.........
Hey look at me im rich and stupid and love Ed Hardy award goes to.......
I smoked a lot of weed, ate 6 tabs of acid while huffing camera lens cleaner and came up with this invention award goes to..... 
(this is a gutter for sweat to be worn on your head)
Hate Trek, Love Black
Free lunch if you can ignore the fact that 1 out of every 6 people wash their hands after using the restroom. (thats true bitch)

if i was rich...this is what my closet would look like.

Awesome 3 days of drinking, breathing cigarette smoke, and cursing like a sailor...next stop:

The Everest Challenge- 205 miles w/ 29,500 ft of climbing. What could possibly go wrong?

Monday, August 9, 2010

Kicked to the curb.

Well yesterday marked the end of my first race season. Would love to say I went out with a bang, but the truth is quite the contrary. After riding in a circle for an hour, all the while trying to save energy for the last 500 meters. Every lap seemed to be 6 miles long and it was getting old real quick. Then the last lap came....I made my way to the front of the pack....came around the last corner and was good and ready to draft a 7ft dude with pistons tattooed on his calf's until I was kicked to the curb (literally) by some shit bag. FML. Pissed.
The sad part about all this is that the race winner probably got $50 and an inner tube. Yet I went home and had the worst fucking day ever because all I could think about was that low life measly mother fucking shit bag douche fucker that pushed me into the curb and in turn never even gave me a chance at a victory. Not saying I would have won, I actually probably wouldn't have. But I would have been top 5. I'm such a sore loser. Then again, if it didn't hurt so much to lose, it wouldn't feel so good to win. It could always be worse.
On to cycle cross bitches.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Bike Porn

If I truly knew how to use this fancy Google machine then I would make a little bubble coming out of the top of this bike that said, "Buy me." But I'm a ra-tard...so just imagine it k? This is the new Cervelo R5ca and it will retail for approximately $9800 and will ship with frame, fork, headset, zero-setback seat post, a Rotor crankset, and a hot blond to blow you, your mind, and melt your sweet little face. Frame weight with hardware will come in around 700-715 grams....which is about 1 1/2lbs. Re Dick You Lusssss. Obvs this dude blew it with the white bar tape and the stupid Zipp logo's on the wheels, but besides that...this thing is murder. Can someone photoshop this shit and make it how i want please. Send it to elcrapola@mac.com.....

Now does anyone have a lawn I can mow for $10,000 ?

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Tastes Like Chicken?

I was once told never to believe anything you hear, anything you read, and only half of what you see. My Dad told me that, so just like everything else he ever told me, I ignored it completely. I'm a believer. Cant really put my finger on the exact reason why, but for shits and giggles lets just say I have faith in people. So when this nice young man peddled up next to me on our weekly group ride and professed that sardines were super good for you, I of course believed him. He told me why but I forgot...but somewhere in his 15 minute explanation the words "ultimate athlete food" were spoken....that, I know. Maybe not in that exact order..who cares. Sounds good to me....but wait...arnt sardines bait? Or is that anchovies? Salmon eggs?Crab legs...Don't you normally catch edible things with inedible things? You never can count anything out though. People drink goats blood in some places cuz they think it makes you smarter, or more fertile, or something. Watch Discovery Channel...its on there. Each guy has a better solution than the next. One guys says eat peanut butter, the next says cranberry juice. The ones I tend to listen to are the ones that are the quickest. No need to listen to a guy you dropped right? A Cat 1 guy told me about Spizz...so i bought 12 canisters and thought it was the best shit in the world.......until of course I ran out and didn't feel one bit of difference. I heard about NEW XS...which was awesome for about 20 minutes, then I wanted to puke. Lance uses this shit, so it must be proper healthy right?? No...dude crashed for no reason 3 into the Tour of California and couldn't even finish the race, so I'm off of that and going with the sardines.

So these are the ones i picked. I put them in between some bread slices, added some veganaise, along with some fake cheese, and voila....I had a sardine sandwich.

That sandwich made my house stink, and my breath reek. But I feel good and I think it worked?

Make sure you check back next week for another episode of "things you couldn't care less about"

Monday, May 24, 2010

Stage 5 clinger

here they come
the long hard road
my life
my lunch
Jason and I after 7000 ft of climbing.

Jason just crossed the line.