Thursday, December 25, 2008

No mas, Ex mas

Ahhh, the tree. Notice the best present in the world sitting next to the worst. Who gives calenders as gifts. Hey, thanks for reminding me how much crap I have to do in January. Argh.
In the Bible it says, "Spare the rod, Spoil the child."  Well....up yours Jesus, rod spared, and child spoiled.

These are the contents of my xmas stocking.  CVS isle 9.

Then came  this next gift which was from my ma to my sister. It was a blanket with my nephews and their dog on it. I'm not sure how to really take it to be quite honest. Its a bit freaky. I find it amazing that someone actually has the ability to sew photographs into a blanket, and blown away that there's a market for such a thing.  How is it that Circuit City is going out of business, but the face blanket guy is still up and running? Dont answer that. If I had kids, would I want a blanket of them? No, probably not......Knowing my ma, i'd get one anyways. Either way, next year I want one with my bike on it.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Public Swimming Pools

Not to say the wrong thing, but if you ever find yourself at the Days Inn located in Phoenix Arizona, Dont.....I repeat DONT use the pool.

Friday, December 19, 2008

Merry Shitmas

santa lol
   Every year?  Really? I mean, is this all really necessary? I guess if i was 12 then the answer would be yes, but since i am a good 20 years past that, the answer is undoubtedly NO. The vacation side of it is amazing. Nobody loves not working more than me, except of course people on welfare that actually get paid for not working, that would be the jam. So lets keep the tradition of taking time off at the end of every year, but lets skip the tree and lights crap. Kill the presents too. I don't need another red sweater, or Starbucks gift cards, or the inevitable pair of tube socks in my stocking.  A sock, with socks in it? Yes, i still get a stocking.  For a few years i was like, "Ma, i don't need a stocking on Xmas."  Then she didn't make me one, and Xmas morning comes, and I'm friggin left out cuz everyone else has a stocking. Sticking out sucks, sticking out without a stocking full of socks, deodorant, toothpaste, and carmex is a whole other ball of wax.  Ok, so lets kill the tree and lights crap, but still leave the stocking part, that's kinda fun. Not only that, but who likes going to CVS for such trivial items, when you can save the trip by showing up to xmas morning.  I should maybe try and think of the positives of Xmas.....hold on, let me think.
free food.
free wine.
playing video games with the kids and not getting judged for being 34 and still playing video games.
family time.
20 minute pre-meal prayers.
Starbucks gift cards.

wait...this is headed to negative town.....turn it around.

free food?

argh....come on Dec 26th!!!!

Monday, December 8, 2008


This is the best news of the day!!!!


Friday, December 5, 2008

Vegas Sales Meeting

I don't care what anybody tells you. Sales meeting suck. Its like going back to school and I hated school. Squirming in my chair, waiting for recess, or lunch, or really anything besides the desk that i was sitting at. The only positive thing about school, was that there was girls there. So sales meetings are worse than school...cuz there's no girls. People often inquire about the fun that's to be had at these meetings. " Hey man, heard you were in Vegas, that must have been amazing!!"  Well sir, no it was not. I could relate the amazement of a sales meeting, to the amazement of dripping lime juice in your eyeballs for three days strait, with no girls around. Not so much you know?
Off I drove.....yes, i drove. I have a prius, and driving to Vegas in a hybrid is kinda like a sore dick, you just cant beat it.  Cost me $28 in gas, and i don't have to touch dirty airplane seats on a Southwest flight.  And if I'm being honest here, Southwest is kinda like a Greyhound bus with wings...friggin filthy.  Cloth seats on public transportation equals disease. So it took me bout 4 hrs....i reckon about the same time it would to get to the airport, get strip searched and jelly fingered, fly, wait for a cab, and drive to
 the hotel. Plus, its much quieter and i can practice my turrets while driving naked. Something that i couldn't do on the plane....legally anyway.
I arrive at the border, and the definition of Vegas is right there on the side of the rode.  This casino really hit the nail on the head. Why deny it....this guy said, "Screw it", and named his joint....Terrible Casino....Brilliant. I'm guessing by the "s" at the end of terrible that they are having difficulties with the English language. Funny how no one had the courtesy to correct them before the sign went up. You'd think they had spell check at the place where they make signs, but its Vegas so those dudes are probably cracked out.

Soon after i crossed the border i ran into this idiot.  I love vanity plates!!! They're like fat people,  I cant help but to stare in amazement and laugh at the same time. The difference is that vanity plates are much gayer than most fat people, but cost less than 4,763 hamburgers. This one I'm guessing translates to "chasing heaven" hahahahaah. You re driving to Vegas dude. Isn't that considered hell to religious people? I've heard of chasing the dragon....but heaven?  Really? Why the chase? Just kill yourself, and maybe the chase will be over. I'm surprised at the lack of suicide in the religious communities. If heaven's so come they don't just go?  I'm confused.
Got to Vegas, checked in. Spent 3 days in a conference room with small breaks and meals in between. Hanging out with sales managers which is always a blast. These are the men that hold your job over your head. They're similar to a diaper i guess, always on your ass, and often full of shit. Its part of the job, so you have to deal with it.
There is up sides to meetings though. Its the people that are more miserable than you, and in turn, make you feel less miserable yourself. Dewey is one of em. If you gave this guy a 100 bucks he'd find away to complain about it. His nickname is actually Doobie, cuz he like the devils lettuce a bit more than most. He actually told me that there was cameras all over the casino, and  in his room. Paranoid much? I was curious about this, and asked the lady at the desk if such was true. She said no, but with a weird face. Normally this would worry me, but even if they did see me doing weird shit to myself naked in the middle of the floor, it would most likely just look like a guy trying to rub the paint off a tic-tac, and hence, not much to see. 
Vegas Blows, Dewey Rules, and Vanity Plates Are Gay. 

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

I dream of Britney.

Maybe i have been doing a little too much obsessing about Brit Brit lately. Normally i would never say such things, but last night i had the weirdest dream about her. Not sure about you , but when I dream, i never really remember how they start. Its as if there is  no start and the middle of the dream is actually when it starts. Its all relative i guess, so the middle is the beginning even though the beginning of my dream was actually the middle? I don't know. Either way Brit Brit and I were somewhere out and about separately at a bar, or club. I decided that when i saw her i had nothing to lose, so i went up to her and asked her for her phone number. Of course its a dream, and more importantly its MY dream, and we all know that it would be a dream to get Brit Brit's number, so in my dream...she gave it to me. The problem is that she kept telling me the number and i kept getting it wrong. She would say 10 digits, i would write them down and show them to her to make sure they were right, and they weren't. Over and over i kept asking her and she would tell me again and again, but i never could get them right.I was getting SO frustrated.  Why couldn't i get it right?? Its Brit Brit!!! What does that mean?? Next thing i remember,  i was giving her a piggy-back ride,  running down the street thinking the paparazzi was following us, but then when i turned around, no one was. It was so weird, i thought for sure we were being chased, but nothing. We ended up at this old apt building that I've never lived at in real life, but i did recognize it from previous dreams. I hadn't been there in awhile so i was trying to put my key in all these different apt doors until one finally worked out. We finally got in the apt, and there was Seinfeld DVDs all over the floor, and my friend Berto's bicycle was there, along with his motorcycle leathers. It was as if i moved out, but left a bunch of stuff there.....Then my alarm went off, and poof........there went Brit Brit.
Dreams are amazing. I gave Brit Brit a piggy-back ride to my apartment. I love her.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Happy Birthday Britney


Sunday, November 30, 2008

Pimp My Ride II

I think Jake is gonna hate me by the time this thing is done. Calling him every hour to hear the bike start, or to request recent pictures must get old to him fairly quick. Either way, im so siked to get this thing back that i've had a bulge in my pants for over a week now. The only part that sucks is that due to hereditary issues, and family genes, its a pretty small bulge. Thats not to say that im not excited, its more of a disclaimer than anything.
I heart Jake (no homo)

Friday, November 28, 2008

The Opposite

If you're a Seinfeld fan, then you know that it is safe to say that any situation in life can be paralleled back to one of the hundreds of episodes. In my personal life I often find that when things have gone to poo, and I'm swirling the drain of life, or I am about to maybe do, or say something that shouldn't be said, going back to season 5, episode 22 is a life saver. Its when  George decides that every decision that he has ever made has been wrong, and that his life is the exact opposite of what it should be (like mine). Then, at the restaurant, he tells Jerry this, who convinces him that “if every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right”. George then resolves to start doing the complete opposite of what he would do normally. He suddenly begins to experience good luck, getting a girlfriend, moving out of his parents' house, and even landing a job with the New York Yankees. The Exact Opposite.
Well, today was the day. I was eating my lunch with some friends when this lady showed up.
She kindly asked me for a nickel or dime. Now, call me crazy, but shouldn't you start high, and work your way down? If I was a bum, I think I'd ask for 5 bucks, and then settle for a dollar, but not this hag. Whiskers hung from her chin like little hairs on a fly, and she smelled like a Porto potty with a skunk inside. When I told her that it looked like her cart was so full that it didn't seem possible to fit a nickle, nor a dime she got upset. She said, "Well then I hope you choke on your food." 
I am an a-hole, this you must understand. Had it not occurred to me to use my "opposite" theory here, this poor lady might have gotten her cart pushed over, spit on, cursed at, and told to shave her chin...but not today. Today was "opposite" day. Although deep down in my heart I wanted to go postal on her, instead I told her that i hoped she would have a nice day, that I loved her, and that if she needed a place to stay, my home was available to her. She payed me no mind, and made her way mumbling down the block. I tried.
I don't believe in Santa Claus, Jesus, L Ron Hubbard, or monogamy. What I do believe in is Karma, and when i got home today, after that wonderful exchange with the fly hair lady, the new issue of Bicycling Magazine was in my mailbox.  I Heart Karma.

Black Friday

Today is "Black Friday". Not sure why, not sure how the name got picked, but im siked on all things black, so i aint complaining. To blend in with the do gooders and holiday happiness i decided to attend a food drive/ brock party at Strussy and Undeafreated here in LA.  Why not help out the less fortunate while hangin with the homies at the same time. So I grabbed some canned goods, jumped on the hoopty,  and rolled on down to La Brea. 
The block was hot, the music was reggae..which should be spelled ray gay, cuz thats what it is, and the dunks were rimited.  Good times, good vibes, and even more importantly, free food and booze. You know there aint no party like a free -ass party.  Things were poppin' (thats hip hop for going really well) and everything in the store was on sale except the employees.
The Brobots, aka The Blackouts, aka The Brothers, aka The Jeffersons, aka Ako and Atiba came out to spin (plug an ipod in) the first set, followed by some randoms and then  DJ AM. Dont know much about that cat except that he's omnipresent. I swear to you that i have literally been at a club, he's in the dj booth, I split to go to another club, and the second i walk in, i look, and that s.o.b. is in the friggin dj booth. Not sure how he does it, but what i am sure of is that he's been with Mandy Moore, Lindsay Lohan, Nicole Ritchie, and numerous others. So not only is being omnipresent a sweet magic trick to play when your in a love triangle, but it gets you laid too. Who would have thought?  If I had the foresight to know that using a record player could make me rich, and get me laid, i'd never had bought a cassette tape, but instead steal music off the interweb, and by a nano. Gosh im dumb. My next life im going to be a procycling DJ. Lance got Kate Hudson and Mary Kate Olson. Chew on that.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Turkey Day!!

These are things that you can say on T-Day with the fam. 

01. Talk about a huge breast!

02. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist 

03. It's Cool Whip time 


04. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst 

05. That's one terrific spread 

06. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat 

07. Are you ready for seconds yet 


08. It’s a little dry, do you still want to eat it 


09. Just wait your turn, you'll get some 

10. Don't play with your meat 


11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in 


12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once 


13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once 


14. You still have a little bit on your chin. 


15. How long will it take after you stick it in 

16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up. 

17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that 

18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen 


Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Brit Brit

Put your hands in the air if you love Sweet Butter. too Brit
Your laughing with me, not at me right?

I love Britney. Always have, always will. There is something about super rich white trash psycho blond chicks that do it for me. Call me crazy....but she's my bomb fer sheeze. This is her "dont call it a comeback" photo shoot for Rolling Stone. The pics are delicious, but somewhere burried deep in my black heart, im wishing for a return to the old Brit Brit...the fat, bald one with the feel me?
But now we have this:  "The New Brit"   All we can hope for is more kids and a heroin addiction. That should get her right back to where i like her. 

So close, yet so far

John Platt is my bomb

"Im just waiting for all these people to leave so I can pull my wiener out."


I used to snowboard. I know...laugh it up, but its a fact.  Every  day there came about some habits or rituals that needed to be done before setting foot on the snow for inspiration. First was putting on "The Garden" which if you are old enough, you'll remember that this, at the time, was the shiznit. Never with the volume on though, because the second part of the ritual was getting dressed to the "eye of the tiger"....again..very "uncool" but it was my world, so screw it.  Like Rambo, when he was getting ready to shred the gnar in First Blood Part II after the enemy killed that super hot Asian chick that he was getting hot on. I was too, getting ready for war with the snow? Not so much, but you get the idea.
Remember?.......It started to rain, he ripped her wet red dress, wrapped his head with it, laced his boots, sharpened his knife....and was ready for war. Then this happened........

  Same sitch, but instead of a headband, knife and sick ass boots, I had The Garden, and a Rocky cassette tape, and now that i think of it, I also had some sick ass boots....
Fast forward 46 years. The snow boots, cargo pants, and bleach blond hair is gone. These items are replaced with Lycra shorts, a heart rate monitor, and a bicycle. But just like i needed inspiration when i was snow surfing, i also need it before i ride my bike, and this does it every friggin time.

Monday, November 24, 2008

Stupid Holidays

Well folks, its that time of year again. Starbucks put my vanilla soy latte in a holiday cup this morning. So Bummed.
When i was young my mother once told me that when people used the term x-mas, it was hurtful to God because it "x'd" out the word Christ. At the same time i was also told that if you rearranged the word would get Satan.  Christians are a bit nuts at times...but to each their own. The moral of the story here is that i hate....yes hate, the holidays. There is no worse time of the year. People play nice for a few weeks, and then its a crocodile done deal. Heathen bastards, all of them.
So what brings this all to mind is my visit to the mall today. When i first pulled in the parking lot I realized that this recession/depression things was truly no joke.

   The good news is that i found a spot, no prob!!!  So although the economy is in the can always find parking. This is at a BRAND NEW mall of those fancy jams with grass and one of those fountains that squirts water to the sound of holiday music...which by the way sucks.  Why didnt Slayer ever come out with a holiday album? How ab
out Gwar?  Nothing.....only Sinatra, and Elvis. No offense, those cats are cool and all.....but i like holiday music very riff heavy with double me crazy. So there was the fountain, the music, the empty parking lot, and me.....
I was there for work obviously, because only girls, married dudes, and the limp wristed go to malls without being forced.  Grabbed your standard issue 8$ cup of coffee and made my way to Barneys.....thats right bitch...Barneys. My job is just to take pictures, ask a few questions, shake some hands, give em a biz card, and call it a day.  That was the easy part. The next part was to meet a girl-friend of mine that worked right by the mall for lunch. let me clarify girl-friend;
This is a girl, that is a friend, that will sleep with me on occasion.  Not to be confused with my friend thats a girl. That would be a girl, that is a friend, that wont sleep with me yet. Then of course there is the girlfriend...which is a girl that can deal with me for more than a week.
So we met at this mexican spot that served french fries....w
hich any true self loving latino would spit on the thought of a quesadilla next to french just doesnt work like that. Thats like having sushi with a side of potato salad....not so much you know?  We ate...since ive slept with her previously...she paid. I tried to get out of
 there....but she wanted to go shopping. Being the nice guy i am i agreed. What could possibly go wrong right? She needs 1 shirt....should only take a second. After all...the parking lot was empty, so this should be a breeze.   Then there she nightmare.

Yes, please choke yourself.
We could have been out of there in no time....but NO, this lady who seems to have some sort of facination with tennis balls because who the hell would dress like one if you didnt envy one was arguing over half the price of my coffee. Threeeeeee Friiggggin dollars. The store was EMPTY. It was the tennis ball lady, and us.  Thats it.  I've killed for less. The worst part is that this is just a sign of more of the same to be coming our way. X-mas isnt even here yet.  Black Friday has not arrived, yet standing in line while others haggle for a few bucks off seems to be whats in store for my holidays. This is why people shop on the interweb. Luckily there was a nice picture of a model behind the register to keep my mind from melting and spewing hatred towards tennis balls and all things fury.

She's kinda hot. If you look super close, and pretend she's staring right at you, then you will get that same relaxing feeling that i did/ boner....she kinda looks like she's falling asleep..which is the same look as when they're nodding out on good dope, so its totally a turn on. Viola!!!! what tennis ball lady? . Amazing what a cute girl will do for your mind.

She bought her shirt, and we left...but not before i could snap one more photo!!

Thats my girl-friend.

R.I.P. Winston Dunlap

May 2, 1938- November 14, 2008

Losing people sucks pretty bad. Losing super cool people sucks even worse. Winston was definetly one of those.  His son Brian was my closest friend. He hooked me up with a job many moons ago that eventually gave me the opportunity to do what i do now. I worked for the family for many years. Then i got fired for very good reason. The friendship ended, and a grudge ensued. 8 years later, Winston dies...and i cant even really give you a good reason as to  why Brian and i dont speak anymore.  

Sunday, November 23, 2008


You know how you know that you have too much time on your hands? You have a friggin blog. Guess who has a lot of time on his hands? Me. Actually i dont have THAT much time, but enough to type a paragraph and attach photos every couple that bad? The economy is in the pooper. Im hiding from accounts so that they dont cancel their holiday orders. Life is good? Hopefully this Obama dude will turn this ship around. Enough politics. Blah. Argh.

Pimp my ride

I own a gay Harley. No such thing you say????How is it gay? it has flames, which in my humble opinion, on ANYTHING, is gay. Nothing against the gays....i voted no on prop chill. I just mean that more gay people enjoy flames as decoration that non-gay people, thats all.
For years ive had this Harley with flames, and ive tried to convert it to non-gay, but its not working. Its getting less gay, but thats still a hair too gay for me. Thank God no one reads this..jesus.  Anyway it has been shipped to AZ to my friend Jake and hopefully it will be home soon and i can still be gay, but my bike wont.  Thanks Jake. Jake has a girlfreind and fixes and chops Harleys, he is not gay.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Honest Abe

"Am I not destroying my enemies when I make friends with them?" -Abe Lincoln