Friday, January 30, 2009

Thursday, January 29, 2009

GREAT GIFT!!!

Drinking Games

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Innovative

2. Preliminary

3. Proliferation

4. Cinnamon


THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Specificity

2. Anti-constitutionalistically

3. Passive-aggressive disorder

4. Transubstantiate


THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. No thanks, I'm married.

2. Nope, no more booze for me!

3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.

4. No thanks, I'm not hungry.

5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?

6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.

7. I'm not interested in fighting you.

8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!

9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.


10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

 


Wednesday, January 28, 2009

SIA (blows)

Burbank Airport 8:45am argh
There is a long list of things i truly hate. Carpet, and Planes are at the top of this list. Planes obviously because airlines allow baby's, old people, and people who don't cover their mouths while coughing and/or sneezing on board, and carpets because carpets are dirty. Carpets are basically ground sponges, so anything that's on the bottom of your shoes or dropped is sucked up and seeped into your carpet, then you touch the carpet, or see people LAYING on the carpet and like me, you want to puke, I totally understand. This is a major problem. Vegas is next on the list, and being that SIA is held in Vegas, Ive run head first into hell.
So into hell i go. Got on board Southwest at 9am, landed at 9:30....strait to the show.  Did a lot of bullshitting of course, bro-bra-ing, and throwing shakas out like they were candy. Could always be worse, i could be back at ASR where there was 1/16 of the people that are here.
Cant wait to leave, I'm sitting in my trade show booth hoping no one else arrives, or someone does and takes up the rest of my day by making the time fly. Please God send me someone who wants to order $100,000 in goggles so i can get back on the plane.

Departure 5:55pm.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Jake Rules



Here's the deal:   This fucking Jake dude rules.  First and foremost, murder is a way of life that most people cant really get a grasp on. My mother for instance has no idea what I'm talking about when she consistently asks me, " Do you always have to wear all black, its so morbid." Yes mother...I do, its murder. There are many reasons why, and its cats like Jake that can understand. If you need a few...click here and read questions #1.
But let me digress....I love Jake, he volantered to help me HOOK my bike up. From wack to black bitches. I know that in previous posts it may have come off as though I was unappreciative of his efforts in making my Sweet Butter exactly that....Sweet, but Jakes not a mechanic, he doesn't rebuild engines ( and if he did he would give unfinished shit work back to his customer) but he is my bomb.  So here is my letter to Jake. 

Dear Jake,
I think your muscles are very pretty and veiny and they remind me of large, rock hard marble statues of historic heroes. Your hair, although filled with moose and dep is an inspiration to both Morrissey and I. There is no way I could put into words how much you working on my bike means to me. Without you the sun in my world would not rise. Thank you so so much for all your hard work. I realize that you had to put Backcountry.com off for a few weeks just so you could finish my baby. I owe you anal, and 4 blowjobs to completion, and I am a stern believer that spitters are quitters. Thank you. Your mechanic is whack, but your ass is tight. I love you and miss you like the desert misses the rain.

Your homosexual love slave,

Sweet Butter

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

My Life


SHOE SHOWS SUCK.

"blah blah blah blah.....business sucks, blah blah blah blah. Yeah everybody is the same way. How was your xmas biz? Killer, yeah things should pick up here in a bit. Wow did you hear about Active? yeah crazy. Whats killing it right now for you? Put your oven mitts on kids, this next shoe is hot. Oh really....Don't worry i can definitely get you an RA for that shit. Really? Another order came in that you never wrote...that's weird....must have been my old sub rep i woulda never done that. Yeah Reynolds is still killing it. This is a brand driver. ADL baby....all day long. Don't worry, that shits on wheels. Always prebook the carry-overs. More is less. No asr? yeah me neither."

This is my life. Could be worse....my motorcycle that i just paid $2000 to get rebuilt could be leaking oil and not able to ride...oh wait.

So Siked!!!!!


Whats rad?  Lots of things are rad....naked chicks, drugs, vodka, money.....ok, so then whats NOT rad??   Here's what's not rad....... waiting 2 months for something that doesn't fucking work. Actually wait.....there IS something less rad than that.  How about the mechanic that did the shit work asking me where his moneys at after I explained to him that what I initially paid for was not only not done......but also leaving a huge fucking mess in my garage. How about going to the doctor with a stubbed toe, and leaving with fucking cancer. How about going to the store to get a dozen eggs, and 8 of them were broken......do I still have to pay for all 12? Not in my fucking world I don't.  And here my friends, is the topper of all toppers; when I asked said mechanic when I could get my bike fixed, he responded with, " I know a guy in your area that could do the work for real cheap."  Oh really?  Shall I deduct that from the money that im paying you? No? That's awesome.....so what I paid for was a new engine with an oil leak?  So Siked!!!

Friday, January 16, 2009

Finally

I thought the day would never come. My sweet sweet bike is back home where she belongs. Got up at 6am (did you know its still dark out at 6?) and took the train down to San Diego to pick up Sweet Butter. The anticipation was killing me. Last night I couldn't sleep a wink. Got on the train thought i could sleep until i got to SD...no luck. Jonesing ain't the word. It was as if I was a virgin and Marissa Miller was in San Diego waiting to rip my clothes off and break me in proper.  When i finally arrived at the station, i took a cab to the house where my bike was at. Got there, walked up the driveway which seemed to be 3 miles long, and at the end was a trailer....sealed. Now, since i had been awake, I'd been really really needing to use the restroom. I had to poo SO bad that it was painful, but some how when i arrived....the need to release my feces had all but completely disappeared. Amazing right? The mind, combined with the sphincter are powerful things.  Not being able to wait any longer ......I cracked the seal...... to the trailer that is.......and BOOOOOOYYYYAAAHHHH!!!! There she was. She was beautiful......all black, she had her black Levi's on, and she was oh so clean. I was drooling, and i wanted to mount her immediately. I needed to feel her vibrate in between my little shaved thighs.......Pulled the choke, hit the start button, and she started to scream.....i think she was saying something to the effect of, " rape me".  So being the gentleman that i am, i obliged.......
So on the road i went. I had 2 hour trek back home, and the roads were free and clear of traffic unbelievably enough. Craving a Starbucks, i exited the freeway, got off the bike, and then i noticed that there was oil EVERYWHERE!!!!  So i cursed for about 30 seconds, then of course.....I did what any man would do in this situation.....Called Jake.

But everything is always OK when i come home to my sons face, and it looks like this.



Friday, January 2, 2009

Suicide Solution

Things to do prior to watching this video:

a) tie a noose
b) find sharp razor blade and a good vein
c) grab a shotgun and one bullet (two if you've got bad aim)
d) poor a glass of draino
e) google map a bridge, and get ready to head for it.


Hangman


Sometimes when im at dinner with my chick, we like to play hangman to pass time while the waiters are spitting in my food and sticking their fingers inside my water glass. Guess who juan.

New Years Resolution



One day this year, I will get my motorcycle back. Not sure when.....perhaps around July or so.....but just before 2010. Pray for me.

New Years n' Quaaludes




So i knew this guy one time, that knew this other guy, that knew some dude that said he could get us some Quaaludes.   So we got some, took a couple, and then decided to walk to the bar where our friends were throwing a party. Stopped at a 7-11 on the way, drank a tall can.......i think we went to the bar.......and then i woke up the next day around 11:30am.   Guess they worked?  Happy New Year.